Do you still feel guilty about things that happened long ago?
This is something I often come across when working as a counsellor and it doesn’t have to be this way. Feeling guilty for things in the past keeps us stuck in a place of having done something wrong, along with the negative self talk and feelings that go with it. When we feel guilty it’s as though we can never get past it.
Guilt as an emotion prompts us to correct something we’ve done wrong and make amends. For example, if we’ve said something hurtful to a loved one, guilt prompts us to apologise and repair the relationship. Often the things we say we still feel guilty about are situations that we have corrected, but we still feel bad about them. So how do we move past this?
By acknowledging the sense of regret that we still feel about the situation.
Regret describes disappointment, remorse or sadness about the situation. Acknowledging and experiencing these feelings can give us a more compassionate view of ourselves, making room for forgiveness and comfort that couldn’t be experienced while we were still stuck in guilt. It’s this compassion for self that can move us beyond guilt to healing the past.
Healthy guilt vs toxic guilt
Not all guilt is the same. It helps to know which kind you are carrying.
Healthy guilt is in proportion to what happened. It is about a specific action (“I shouldn’t have said that”), it nudges you to put things right, and it eases once you have.
Toxic guilt hangs around long after amends have been made. It is often out of proportion, it can attach to things that were never your responsibility, and it tends to shift from “I did something bad” to “I am bad”. That shift is usually shame, and it can keep you stuck in harsh self-talk and feelings of inferiority.
A few questions can help you tell the difference:
- Was this actually within my control at the time?
- Have I already done what I reasonably can to repair it?
- Would I judge a friend this harshly for the same thing?
- Is this guilt helping me grow, or just keeping me down?
Steps towards self-forgiveness
Forgiving yourself is not pretending it didn’t matter. It is choosing to stop punishing yourself so that you can learn and move forward.
- Name it honestly. Write down what happened, as plainly as you can, without excuses or exaggeration.
- Own your part, and only your part. Take responsibility for what was yours, and let go of what belonged to others or to circumstance.
- Let yourself feel the regret. Allow the sadness or disappointment to be there. This is often where the healing begins.
- Repair what you can. An apology, a changed behaviour or a kind act can all help to close the loop.
- Take the lesson. Ask, “What would I do differently now?” and let that guide you.
- Speak to yourself with compassion. Try saying what you would say to someone you care about in the same situation.
- Mark a letting go. Some people find it helpful to write a letter they never send, or to choose a moment to consciously put the guilt down. If it comes back, gently repeat the process.
When to make amends, and when to move on
It may be time to make amends if:
- Your actions caused real harm to someone
- You haven’t yet acknowledged it with them
- Reaching out would help them, not just ease your own feelings
- You can apologise without expecting anything in return
It may be time to move on if:
- You have already apologised or put things right
- Contacting the person would reopen their wounds or wouldn’t be safe
- The person has passed away. A letter, a visit to a special place or doing something in their honour can help you to make peace.
- The guilt is about something that was never in your control
Sometimes the best amends is simply living differently from here on. If regret is tangled up with loss and grief, counselling can help, and you may also find the section on forgiveness in keys to healthy thinking useful.
If this is something you would like to explore further with a counsellor contact Breathe Counselling to make an appointment, or book a session online.
Sue French
