Overcoming Contempt in Marriage

According to the Oxford Dictionary Contempt is, ‘The feeling that a person or a thing is worthless or beneath consideration’ or to have ‘disregard for something that should be considered’. When we act with contempt, we basically treat others as though they are inferior to us. Contempt can involve sarcasm, cynicism, mocking, mimicking or negative body language such as rolling your eyes. An example of contempt could be:

“Barry comes home from work, grabs a beer out of the fridge and makes himself comfortable in front of the tv. Marg comes home and asks him if he can set the table whilst she prepares dinner. Barry retorts, “Geez Marg, you always ask me to do things for you when I’m watching tv… but don’t worry, I’ll be your little slave boy”.

After four decades of research, leading marriage therapist and researcher, John Gottman maintains that the #1 predictor of divorce is ‘contempt.’ It is an attitude that can become an ‘atmosphere’ in a relationship, that is uniquely toxic.

Contempt and Gottman’s Four Horsemen

Gottman identified four patterns of communication that, left unchecked, wear a marriage down. He called them the Four Horsemen:

• Criticism: attacking your partner’s character rather than the issue. You can read more in overcoming criticism.
• Contempt: speaking or acting from a place of superiority, as if your partner is beneath you.
• Defensiveness: meeting every complaint with excuses or counter-attacks instead of taking any responsibility.
• Stonewalling: shutting down, going silent or walking away so the conversation cannot happen.

All four are common, and most couples slip into them from time to time. Contempt is the one to watch most closely, because it tells your partner not just that you are unhappy, but that you think less of them.

Contempt vs criticism: how to tell the difference

Criticism and contempt often travel together, but they are not the same. Criticism says “you did something wrong”. Contempt says “you are something less than me”. In the example above, a criticism might sound like, “You always sit down and leave dinner to me.” It is unfair and it stings, but it is still about behaviour. Barry’s ‘little slave boy’ comment goes further. It uses sarcasm to mock Marg’s request and paint her as unreasonable.

Some signs that criticism has tipped over into contempt:

• Eye rolling, sneering or a dismissive sigh when your partner speaks
• Sarcasm or ‘jokes’ that leave your partner feeling small
• Name-calling, mocking their tone or mimicking what they said
• Correcting or talking down to them, especially in front of others
• A growing sense that you are the reasonable one and they are the problem

How contempt takes hold

Contempt can creep up on a relationship over time, as negative experiences provoke negative emotions. As issues and conflict aren’t resolved thoroughly or effectively, resentment sets in, and over time begins to surface as a formidable habit of attack on a person’s character and person.

Contempt can also develop in a subtle way if we allow ‘over- familiarity’ to occur. As the old sayings go, ‘Familiarity breeds contempt’ and ‘Don’t spend too much time in your neighbors’ house, or they may resent you’.

The antidote: appreciation

So how do we resist this thing? How do we prevent ‘contempt’ from taking root in our relationships?

One word: ‘Appreciation’

Like many aspects of relationships, we can improve things by being intentional. With respect to overcoming ‘contempt’, the antidote (as John Gottman states), is about developing a culture of appreciation. We can be intentional about this, and if we are, the results will speak for themselves.

Some steps to overcoming contempt

• Honestly and thoroughly work through and let go of any resentment. It may help to do this with a counsellor. This can take time.
• Remember why you married your partner. What was it that drew you to them? What were/ are their unique qualities that you found attractive?
• Begin to intentionally express appreciation to your partner, even for little things. Tell them what you like about them. Look for things to express appreciation for (even if you have to look really hard!)

Daily habits to rebuild respect

Respect is rebuilt in small, ordinary moments far more than in big gestures. A few habits that make a real difference:

• Name one specific thing you appreciate each day. “Thanks for sorting the kids’ lunches this morning” lands far better than a general “you’re great”.
• Turn towards your partner’s small bids for connection. When they share a thought, a joke or a frustration, look up and respond rather than brushing it off.
• Complain without blame. Talk about how you feel and what you need (“I feel stretched when dinner is all on me. Could you set the table?”) instead of what is wrong with them.
• Catch yourself. Notice the eye roll or the sarcastic reply before it comes out, and choose a different response.
• Listen to understand. Active listening helps your partner feel heard, which softens both of you.
• Take a break when you are flooded. If you are too heated to be kind, agree to pause for 20 minutes and come back to it.

When to get help as a couple

It is worth reaching out for support if contempt has become a regular part of how you speak to each other, if the same argument keeps coming back with no resolution, if one or both of you feel belittled or have stopped talking about things that matter, or if resentment has built up to the point where appreciation feels impossible. A counsellor can help you both slow down, understand what is driving the contempt and practise new ways of relating. You can read more about marriage counselling that actually works, or find out about couples counselling at Breathe.

If contempt in your relationship comes with fear, threats or control, please reach out for safety support first. Our domestic violence counselling page has more information.

When you are ready, you can book a session in person or online.